Not Your Problem

I got this mean fucking letter from a friend today.  Let's call him "Mark".  I asked Mark for a favor yesterday regarding helping me out with my unemployment.  Without going into detail, let's just say I needed some information.  He really didn't have to do a damn thing.  Well, he decided to take it upon himself to "give me a kick in the ass" - as he called it.  Mostly, he wrote me a letter telling me what a lazy worthless mooch I was.  Now, keep in mind, my unemployment and ongoing job search is really none of his fucking business.  I mean, I'm certainly not on unemployment for my health.  With all the horseshit I've gone through screwing around with it over the past few months, I'd like to not be on it, too.  I just don't really have a choice right now.

Maybe he felt like because I asked him for a favor it was somehow "involving" him in my unemployment.  In reality, I just needed some info.  That was it.  Took NONE of his time, really.  And, in return, he totally came down on me.  Told me I was "mooching off the system" and I needed to "get off my ass".  What the fuck...   

I wrote him back and told him where he was wrong about his assumptions, and why.  I also told him I wasn't mad at him.  I'm still not sure if I am.  I might be.  After all, it is NONE OF HIS FUCKING BUSINESS, RIGHT?  I mean, I am pretty sure I've never given him any shit about any of the crap he's doing wrong in his life.  I certainly could, if I wanted.  He's just as much of a fuck-up as I am, if not more.  The guy seems to have a good work ethic.  But he's got some serious "social" problems that will eventually destroy his relationship with his fiancee if he's not careful.  BUT, I don't talk to him about it because it's NONE OF MY FUCKING BUSINESS!  He is who he is, and he's not going to change himself for me, so why bother?  Why should he?

Mostly, I think I might be mad about this because of his timing.  That letter really caught me off guard.  I initially sent off a kind of "it's funny 'cause it's true" parody of my job resume, and he answers it with a letter telling me I'm a loser.  I really didn't need that this week.  I'm having a really rough week, I've argued a couple of times with my wife, and I'm feeling super-vulnerable right now.  My bank account is dwindling, and I'm starting to get a little nervous.

I REALLY want to go back to work, but I want to find a job that will allow me to get ahead somehow.  I'm looking for more than a paycheck.  And, if all I can get is a paycheck, it better be large enough to put some away in savings.  The other reason I'm kind of "taking it slow" finding a job is that my wife and I are considering moving to another part of the country, and I'm kinda waiting to see what kind of decision we make about that before I get too far ahead of myself.  GODDAMNIT, why the fuck did he have to write me that damn letter?!  It hit me way too hard, way too far below the belt!  

Do friends do that kind of stuff?  I mean, I can see that he MAY be trying to give me a little "tough love" with the whole thing, but it sure didn't feel like it.  In my letter back to him I told him that his letter was mean.  In fact, I sounded like a complete pussy in my response, but, FUUUUCK, it hurt!   So, I've been spending the rest of the day trying to talk myself out of dropping a couple Xanax and spending the rest of the day  in bed with the covers over my head. Maybe that makes me a loser too.  It probably does.  Maybe I'm just not fucking tough enough.  Maybe I DO need to get off my ass and take any fucking job that I can get, regardless of what kind of future it holds.   I don't know.  I don't know.  I don't know.

FUUUUCKKKK!!!!

See, this is the kind of shit that makes me want to gather my dog, my wife, and move to fucking-nowhere Montana and raise goats and collect automatic weapons.   That sounds funny, but it really is what I think about sometimes.  I want to build a fucking complex on the side of a mountain someplace, Put razor wire and chain link around the whole place,  store up about 3 years worth of supplies, and blow up the access road.  Tell the whole fucking world to go to hell.  I don't care!

Great, now I'm angry at myself again....