FUCKING-FUCK!!!!

What the fuck.

I thought I had NAILED a job yesterday.  Today, I got an email telling me that they were going with somebody else, but it was down to just me and another guy.   They chose him because he had more "e-commerce" experience than me.  God dammit.

What the hell do I have to do to get a fucking job?   Who do I have to blow?

I've been looking for MONTHS now, and I'm so fucking discouraged that I'm damn near suicidal over it.   AAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!   

I've been looked over for THREE positions now that I've had GREAT interviews for.  One (Trader Joe's) actually blew me off without even an email.   AFTER they told me that I was hired, they just kind of blew me off.   Wouldn't return my calls and acted like they didn't know who I was.  WHAT THE FUCK!!!!!

I mean, if I can't even get a job at a GODDAMN grocery store, what the hell am I even doing walking around.  They hire FUCKING RETARDED PEOPLE!!!!!   You mean to tell  me that six years of college prepared me for a long life of UNEMPLOYMENT???

And, to top it all off, I keep getting told that I'm fucking OVERQUALIFIED?????

Jeezus!!  It's like the entire planet has gone nuts.   How on earth can ANYBODY find work?  I walk around during the day and see soooooooo many people who are already gainfully employed who are COMPLETE IDIOTS!!!  Maybe I should act like an idiot.  Dumb-down my resume.  Make it look like I'm just some fucking moron who is willing to be fucked in the ass every day by his employer, and has no initiative to move up in the corporation.   Become a cog.  

Christ, I just want to fucking cry all day and beat my head in with a hammer.  I feel so fucking worthless and stupid.  Why do I even continue breathing?   I am a waste of perfectly good air.   I'm not kidding, I'd be a better provider for my wife if I were dead.  At least then she could live off the life insurance for awhile....   Best not to start thinking that way, lest I be tempted to accidently crash my car into an oncoming truck.....

FUCK!!!   

Cukoo

My buddy told me that I can't be crazy

Because I don't answer the voices

That I hear

I think he's the one who's nuts

There's no voices in my head

That aren't my own

The only time I feel like I've truly 

Lost it

Is when I start laughing

And can't stop

And I get scared

That I might be wrong

About anything

Everything

And every thing else

Seems too hard

Like I can't even think anymore

Or don't want to

Screw the voices

Shut me up

Martians

If you think we're alone here

Out in space, spinning

You'd be wrong

Like so many others over time

Have been convinced of their facts

Only to be proven wrong

By history and their children

Our global concerns will be forgotten

When the saucers land

And the doors open

And the guns are drawn

Science, history, and common sense

All tell us that only the strong survive

So

I am certain that the little green men

When they show up (and they will)

Are going to tell us who's boss

And who's the new employee

Because 

You don't travel through that kind of distance

Without a helluva lot more knowledge

Than we have

And you don't go on that kind of journey

Without some big fucking guns

Any space cowboy will tell you that

So, don't be surprised 

When Marines get vaporized

And the power grid goes down

When The Bomb has no use

When the sky is on fire

When you pee in your pants 

At the sight of them

All hail Caesar 2.0

Fuck That Stupid Groundhog

I'd like to think I'm like Saint Francis

Preaching to birds

Making them witness the importance of 

Everything and it's inherent 

Emptiness

Making the birds understand

Why they needed what he was selling

Even though they had no money to buy

What a pro

The problem is

Birds don't think that way

They live in the moment unless

They're trying to get laid

Or protect their young

Saint Francis knew that

He kept selling them up

Even though they had no meaning

For god or his son

Besides

He made pretty noises

By moving his mouth

And sometimes kept food in his hand

Winter will still be here 

For another six weeks

Even if Phil sees his shadow

Or is it the other way round?

I know what cold feels like

It goes inside you and creeps

Making living seem bitter and stale

Making birds 

Forget to be saved

Restrained

Maybe the most important thing
To keep in mind

is that I'm a little bit nuts

Even though I am convinced
I got my shit together
I just might break out in crazy

At any moment

It's like a rash, but instead of bumps
You get put in a room
That smells like peppermint and urine

Until somebody decides
It's okay to let you out
and you won't bite anyone

Or care too much
About everything

Again

It's like a stain

Even after you wash it -  

It's there

But it's not the same

Maybe it's the rain

Either way, the planets have aligned 

Or whatever
To keep me sane

Maybe It's the pain

Though, I've never been too good 

At figuring out why
I'm always to blame

Maybe I shouldn't complain

But, dammit, it's like you cant get ahead
Because everything stays the same

Maybe I'll give up again.

The Year That Wasn't

I hated 2008.

I really did.   I can't remember, in fact, thinking that I've actually ever been able to say that I'm GLAD that a year has passed.  As much as I bitch on this blug about stuff, you'd be surprised to know that, beneath my gruff exterior, I'm a pretty fucking optimistic guy.  At least, I like to think so, anyway.

This makes it all the weirder that I'd be happy to say so-fucking-long to an entire year.

I did some pretty cool stuff this year.  I mean I was totally self-employed for the first time.  That was awesome.   I really did a good job, too.   Well, that's over now.   With hope for any future incarnation of this specific dream ever being fulfilled.  That sucks.

All the political shit, all the no-fucking-money shit, all the unemployment shit, all the self-abuse and hatred shit, all the fucking fucking fucking SHHHIIIIIITT that I've had to deal with this year.  Just....  Just fuck it.  I am so happy to be moving on.

ALL HAIL 2009!  (I'll tell you in a year how it turned out.)

Happy Fucking New Year,

Elvis Chainsaw

MORE Fun With Facebook Friends

THE FOLLOWING IS A CONTINUATION OF LETTERS SENT BETWEEN ME AND A FRIEND FROM HIGH SCHOOL WHO IS A SELF-PROCLAIMED "BLOOD-BORN" CHRISTIAN.  WHATEVER THAT MEANS....  IF YOU'RE CONFUSED, GO BACK A POST AND CATCH UP.

Elvis,

Those are fair questions. I am not angry about you bringing that up. It actually is part of my testimony.

I was brought up in a Christian home, but didn't understand the faith that I was brought up in. To be honest with you, even after several years of church going my parents didn't even understand it. I was not a firm believer even after Chad died. It wasn't until I ran into some real men of faith that showed me what it really meant to be a man. They helped me understand that there has been a spiritual war going on since before the beginning of earth. That battle has now shifted to control our minds. I learned that Satan was banished from heaven, and came into this world to kill, steal, and the destroy John 10:10, and that Jesus came to give life and give it abundantly. Satan's number one goal is to get people to believe that he is not real. He hates God and all that He created including ALL men. He is a liar and a trickster, and is able to put thoughts into the minds of people to do careless and wrongful things, which may put them in bad situations that may cause them their lives or hurt others around them. For what reason you ask? To control your mind and the minds around you. To possibly influence you enough to put the blame on God for letting it happen. Here is the truth....God can not do anything on this earth without working through people (he gave dominion to man on this earth check out Genesis).

That night that my friend died, there was a group of us that were visiting a 'haunted' house, and soaping cars. The questions to this activity is; Is that a good thing to do? If we would have run that through our moral compass, would we have done that? Probably not. If we were not doing that, would [my friend] had died? Probably not.

With that in mind, to answer your questions, No, I didn't become a Christian before the accident, but I am glad I found the truth later. It helped me understand that it was not God's will to take [my friend's] life, and that although it didn't make things better, it did help me understand that I could make a good out of it.

I truely believe that you were created for greatness. You just should know that you have the ability to tap into a hidden power that most people don't even realize is out there. But, as I stated earlier in this message, you were given dominion and a free will to do what you want. That is the will of God.



MY RESPONSE:


Thanks for the frankness and openness of your response. It is really appreciated. It proves that you are not a jerk, above all else. (:

I felt really awful about saying that about [your friend], for fear that you would mis-interpret my meaning, and think that I was just trying to hurt you. I wasn't. Really. I had just written it four different ways already, and they all just seemed petty and angry. I guess that, ultimately, I was trying to gauge your commitment to your beliefs.

I wanted to see what kind of commitment you had to your faith, and now that I can see you are TRULY devoted to your spiritual choice, I want to tell you that I honestly respect it. I mean it. Your choices are yours, and mine are mine. Isn't that fundamentally fair?

Now, I'd like to ask you to show my choice of being an atheist the same respect.

Equating atheism with a negative connotation is EXACTLY the same as judging someone based on their sexual orientation, or their age, or the color of their skin. The disrespect you showed my choice of non-adherence to a religious doctrine was blatant bigotry. And, even if I'm an atheist, it still hurts to be insulted. I'm sure we can both agree that feelings are unrelated to one's doctrine.

Understand that I am not ignorant to the teachings of Christianity. In fact, I minored in religious studies while in college, simply out of my curiosity for the subject. And, those studies went far beyond the confines of the Christian religion. I have studied buddhism, taoism, judaism, islam, shinto, and more. It's not that I've "never found my spiritual voice", I just formed an opinion based on my knowledge-base, personal history, and "gut feeling". The same as you. We just arrived at a different place, that's all.

Also, keep in mind that I've been an atheist for over 10 years, and I've been "witnessed to" by some of the best. I am confident in my choice, and do not feel that I will ever waiver. So, any attempt to "bring me around" will be just plain insulting to me. In addition, I honor the choices you have made with your life, because I respect you. I always have.

That said, I'm not going to try and convince you otherwise. You don't have to worry that I'm going to "talk you out of being Christian". I just won't. It's not important to me. What is important is keeping you as a friend, and seeing you live your life in a way that makes you happy. That's what I believe in.

I've had this whole damn conversation a thousand times, it seems. A person finds out that I'm an atheist, and makes an attempt to show me where I went wrong along the way. It doesn't work, and eventually, you end up making enemies. It's just awful. Atheism is simply a choice not to believe. Whoever told you that atheism is a spiritual choice for folks who don't want to have morals is a dolt. It's hate-speech, simple as that. If I told somebody that if they didn't speak English, they were somehow LESS of a person and their morals were at question, I would be a dick. My choice of NON belief is a personal one, and one that does not make me less of a man, or less moral.

ON the other hand, if you want to have an extended drawn-out conversation about the benefits of adopting a dogma, I'd be happy to go on extensively about a variety of reasons formalized, organized, faith-based religion is inherently, scientifically, and socially flawed. But, if you are secure in your belief system, who am I to question it? Why should I care? It's your god, it's none of my business, right?

Exactly...

In addition, if you looked at my page, and my groups, and all the other FB crap that I've logged, you already know that I'm a left-wing moonbat politically and in practice. Liberalism is not a bad thing, regardless of what Limbaugh says. Our founding fathers were ALL labled "criminals" by the British, and their "liberal ideas" about starting their own country caused a fuckload of people to die while trying to establish America's Liberty. Mainly, I am a supporter of freedom. Freedom from lots of stuff that I'll be happy to tell you about if you want to hear it. If you don't, that's okay too.

So, all of that said, I would really appreciate you adding me as a "friend" again on Facebook. I know it sounds silly, but I enjoy seeing how you and your family are getting along, and want to make sure that if I ever visit Indiana again, we can go out and get a beer and talk about old times. I'd look forward to that. How about it?

Elvis

Thank You Jesus

THE FOLLOWING IS A LETTER SENT TO ME BY A GUY I KNEW IN HIGH SCHOOL. HE POSTED "athiest? Really? Are you GAY too?" ON MY FACEBOOK PAGE.
AFTER A CURT RESPONSE FROM ME, HE REPLIED WITH THIS LETTER.

WHAT A DOUCHE.

"Sorry about the message on your wall. I am still learning this whole thing on Facebook. Forgive me for my ignorance. No need to clear your spirituality with me or the point that you hang with gay people. That would not be my point at all. I just wanted to know if you were the same [Elvis] that I was a friend with in [Our Hometown] or if you had changed. I think I got my answer. I noticed that you had lots of controversial / liberal material on your home site and had to find out if it was real feelings or if you were just trying to get attention.

BTW....atheism is a spiritual religion, and the only reason that people believe that way is to allow themselves to live their lives with no moral standards with the peace of mind that based on the atheists religion there are no moral standards. With that in mind, they don't like it when people that live their lives with moral standards point it out to them.
[Elvis], hopefully someday God will reveal himself to you in a way that you will understand, and you will come to know the truth. As a friend, I will pray for you."

MY RESPONSE:


This is my fourth attempt at a response, and I'm getting to spent re-typing it, and just getting angrier and angrier.

I'll keep it simple this time.

I have a question about your adoption of the Christian faith.

Did you get religion before or after you ran over your friend with a truck and killed him? Did it make everything okay again?

Better yet, did it bring him back?

"God's will", I guess, eh?


Gosh, what a mean thing for me to say! I guess I'm "living my life with no moral standards".


Glass houses, dude.


[Elvis]

Cheating Bastard

THE FOLLOWING IS A LETTER WRITTEN TO AN OLD FRIEND OF MINE WHO JUST FOUND OUT HER HUSBAND HAS BEEN CHEATING ON HER.  HE TELLS HER HE IS IN LOVE WITH THIS OTHER WOMAN, AND IS LEAVING (MAYBE) HER AND HER SPECIAL NEEDS DAUGHTER.  JOE (HIS REAL NAME) IS A FUCK.

What the fuck?

Just caught up with your FB feed.

WHAT THE FUCK?

Not that I know even an smidgen of the whole story, and any of this situation is none of my goddamn business, but I love you guys, even though it's been a long time since I saw you two, the news hurts. Fucking hell.

So if any of this is "stepping over the line" just tell me, and I'll shut the fuck up. My boundaries have always been challenged.

Seems like everyone is offering their help to you. And GOOD FOR YOU making it public. Some folks think that airing personal stuff like this on FB is wrong, but when it comes to a PROVEN cheating spouse, it is TOTALLY appropriate. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Ol Joe fucked up, and SHOULD be humiliated.

Publicly.

Without restraint.

Often.


All of that said, I've been through a whole bunch of shit dealing with relationships/marriage/etc. over the years, and have gone through a shitload of therapy in the process, so let me know if you want to unload on somebody who is of relatively no consequence who will listen to you. AND actually have something to offer in return. XXX-XXX-XXXX Anytime. Really.

Here's a little advice. If you don't want it, stop reading. Really. Skip over it, and read what I wrote for you further down. Really. It is probably bad advice anyway. Nothing is worse than assholes offering you advice when you're freaking out. Especially if you KNOW it already. Some of the stuff I'm gonna tell you is really mean-spirited too, but you'll want to hear it. Most of it sounds really mean, but, in the end, you will be glad you did it. This stuff is reality-based and just for you. It will help you if you want to REALLY take control of the whole situation until your wits are about you again. Finding out your spouse is a CHEATING FUCK will unfortunately make you lose your mind. Been there, know that. My ex cheated on me for just over a year with a WOMAN! I was...my heart was...dead.. because of it. I'm not sure I ever totally recovered from her cheating. The rest of the abuse I went through with the Ex paled in comparison to her cheating on me. It was the worst.

Take control and don't let it go. Here is a ONE MONTH PLAN:



ADVICE ADVICE ADVICE ADVICE ADVICE ADVICE ADVICE ADVICE

***************************************************************


-First, you need to tell Joe that you won't be speaking to him for a month. Tell him he's not to come around. If he comes around, you'll take the kids and disappear. You really will. Say it so he believes it. Women have a great ability to make guys believe stuff by just making eye contact and holding it. Use this.
-GO FUCK SOME REALLY HOT 20 YEAR OLD WITH A GIANT DICK IMMEDIATELY. I'm not kidding. Take a whole night. Grudge-fuck that random young guy until you can't walk. You got a free pass, use it. You will still be in control of the situation when it is over. I promise. It will also take the sting out of being cheated on. It works. It will get your head screwed on while you're getting it screwed off. If you don't remember how to seduce a random guy, it's easy. You find some guy you already know casually, and tell him the abridged version of the story. Hand him a box of condoms and tell him to fuck the shit out of you. Say these words (they are very important): "I don't want to make a big deal about this, I just want to fuck you. That's all. Just one night. Are you man enough to deal with it?" If he's young, dumb, and full of cum, he'll reply, "Yes, Ma'am!" He really will. If he passes, find somebody else. Young stupid hot guys are everywhere. I've been on both sides of this scenario, and it is always rewarding. Really. ONLY DO THIS ONCE.
-become comforatble with the idea that you will fucking hate Christmas for the next 10 years, or so. AND, Joe will NOT see the kids this Christmas. Super mean, but NECESSARY.
-change your computer account passwords. Immediately.
-EMPTY your joint checking/bank/credit accounts, save for the absolute minimum to keep the account current. Open new ones. Clean out the ones you have in CASH and hide that shit in a box. it's all yours forever. This is called "fuck you money" and you need some. Save it. Joe should be broke immediately. He should have no credit immediately. He should be locked outside in the cold soaking wet with no shoes, 'cause that's how you feel right now.
-change the locks. Sounds stupid, but it will keep you from coming home to find that Joe has come and removed a bunch of stuff from the house that is yours. BECAUSE... Now, that he's a dipshit, IT'S ALL YOURS. FUCK HIM.
-set your cellphone to "silent" with NO vibrate and stop answering it for a month. Disconnect your home line if you have one. Check the cell every couple hours (providing you are not waiting on a call for/about/from kids) for messages. Then, answer only the ones that are NOT from him. Don't listen to his messages. It will be hard, but when you hear his voice, just delete it. Otherwise, your head will not be clear in a month. Or better yet, shut your cell down, and get another one.
-have a place you can take kids at the drop of a hat 24 hours a day with no questions asked. Do this often for the next month. Go see a movie. Stay home and get drunk. Drive to Chicago and see the museums for a weekend. Whatever. Your support people (and you DO have them) will understand. After the first month, they will get bitchy, so you got one good month of "pawn off the kids so I don't take out my emotional aggression on them" pass to use. Use it. I'm serious.
-During this month, shut Joe out completely. Really. It sucks for the kids especially, but you will need that time before you will finally start talking with him. The kids will forget about it. Just keep them in the dark. They don't need to know. Daddy's working in NJ, that's all. He's very busy. Hey, it worked for kids all through the 1950's - 1970's, right? No calls, no dinner, no discussions, no email, no bullshit. He forfeited that when his penis was inside somebody else. Same goes for contact with the kids. Really. Fucking mean, but necessary. It's only a month.
-After a full month of separation (NO CONTACT AT ALL) agree to meet with him somewhere that holds no "memories" for either of you. Someplace neutral. Someplace where there is no booze. The Library is a good place because it's public, and because you have to stay relatively quiet. And, there's ample parking. Also, make sure you are not all PMS'd out for this meeting. Schedule it for a different week if possible.
-Once you meet, have divorce papers ready and UNSIGNED. Even if you still might be considering taking him back. Show them to him. Make sure he knows your ass is totally serious about divorcing him and fucking his life up. Tell him these words. "I am going to fuck your life up, get comfortable with the idea." Indiana is a GREAT state to be divorced in if you're a female. Sounds crass, but it's pretty true. If you don't believe me, ask my mom.
-learn to hold a grudge, if you don't already.
-AND, if he's as much of a shit as to muscle you out of any goddamn thing, pay somebody to break his legs. I'm totally serious about this. It should only cost you a couple of thousand dollars. Surprisingly, you won't have to look far to find somebody to cripple him. Find someone who can keep his mouth shut. Sometimes stupid guys like us only understand how much we've hurt someone when we can't walk without a cane. Ever see a guy in his 40's with a cane? He should have kept it in his pants.



**************************************************************
ADVICE OVER ADVICE OVER ADVICE OVER ADVICE OVER OVER



If you skipped that last bit, you didn't miss much. Mostly, how to cover your ass.

Now, one last bit of advice I want you to hear, so read this part:

Love is a Great thing. Notice the capital "G". Love defines our self-image, too. If you still love Joe, REALLY LOVE HIM, forgive him. Even if you divorce his cheating ass, forgive him. In fact, ESPECIALLY if you divorce. Even if he tells you that he never loved you and this other whore is the one true thing in his life, you must forgive him if you really love him. Believe me in that you will NEVER be able to truly trust anybody else fully unless you do this. Make sure he hears the words. If you REALLY REALLY TRULY love the man you married, you MUST forgive him. It is for YOU, not for him. If you don't really love him, then you can tie up all this shit in a box and burn it at a stake, dancing around it naked until it loses all its power.

It doesn't mean you need to take his lying cheating good-for-nothing ass back. Really. In fact, if you DO divorce him, he'll HATE that you forgave him. I hope you get that. This whole situation is about YOU. Embrace that idea. It is your life, HE fucked up, not you. Don't question yourself. HE fucked up. It is soooo important that you live that.

YOU are in charge of this shit.


Again, call if you need to vent. I really will listen.


Stay strong, sister.

Git 'Er Done

Yep.  I woke up this morning and thought, "Well, today's the day.  Today is the day I find a job.  Gonna get up early, have a good breakfast, a little coffee, take a shower, get to the gym, and come back to the house to spend the rest of the afternoon finding my fortune."

Here is what really happened:

  

8:00-9:00 - I woke up, and made some breakfast.  I was experimenting with using a box-recipe potatoes au gratin and add some lowfat sausage to it.  I made it up and it looked awful.  It didn't taste much better, either.  It gave me a terrible case of indigestion. 

  

9:00 - 11:00 - I checked in on Facebook and played a little Mob Wars.  Spent some time talking with my lovely wife.  

11:00 - 12:00 - Finished watching some show that I don't remember anymore, and took a shower.  Lovely Wife left for the studio.

12:00 - 2:30 - Walked to the gym, had a workout, had a sauna, took a shower.

2:30 - 3:30 - Had Chineese food for lunch with Lovely Wife.  (Today was her day off.)

3:30 - 4:30 - Came home, checked in again on Facebook.  Played Mob Wars again.

4:30 - 6:30 - Felt sick from combination of shitty breakfast and Chineese food, so I decided to take a nap.  Couldn't sleep, so I played a video game (Lego Star Wars).

7:30 - 9:00 - Fooled around on Facebook and played Mob Wars again.

9:00 - 9:30 - Wrote on this blug.

So, my point is, that I've wasted a perfectly good day goofing off.  The only thing I've done to find work is...  well, not a damn thing.  Now, my lovely wife is coming home, and I will want to watch TV with her, or something for the rest of the evening.

And here's the result:

I feel like a damn fool.  I feel like I've let myself down today, and I hate myself for it.  I feel like I deserve whatever happens to me when I'm destitute and my lovely wife kicks me out for being a bum.  I feel like I should just....  I don't know.  I'm not even motivated enough to come up with shitty things to say about myself.  Maybe that's the worst.  Feeling like I've quit myself.  Feeling like I'm not even worth feeling bad over.  Self-indifference.  That's some fucked-up shit.  That's the kind of shit that is a little dangerous.

BUT!

Tomorrow will be different.  Tomorrow I will get up early, have a healthy breakfast, go online early and NOT play Mob Wars.  I will NOT go on Facebook tomorrow, and I will complete my jobsearch by.... Noon.  After that, I will concentrate on buying food for Thanksgiving.  I will find my fortune tomorrow, for sure!

Yeah, I'll do that.  Really.  Really-really.

But now, I'm gonna watch the rest of the 1970's Incredible Hulk TV show....

Storm

When I was a kid, I used to watch a coming storm for hours.  The area of the midwest I'm from is so flat, that you could literally watch a storm arrive for 8 hours.  The sky would slowly get darker, as a storm like a battleship sailed slowly toward me, moving like a minute hand, slow, but fast enough to see if you're really looking.  Eventually, the temperature would drop, and the first sprinkles of rain would begin to fall.  The odor of the air would change and get the wood and steel smell that could mean hail.  If the sky got green, it was time to head for the basement.

During the worst storms, I would hide under a couch in our basement, and cross my fingers and toes in an effort to have luck ward off the tornado that my Dad was watching out the windows for, upstairs.  The AM radio in the kitchen would crackle with every lightning strike.  As nervous as I was under the couch, I was never really scared.  After all, my Dad was looking out for me upstairs, and drinking coffee.  He was wandering room to room looking out for the telltale swirl of a funnel cloud.  I didn't have anything to worry about, really.  But, that didn't mean I came out of my hiding place until Dad gave the "all clear".

We never got hit by a tornado.  In fact, I was fifteen before I ever actually SAW one.  It was miles away.  Maybe six or seven.  it was jumping from the clouds to the ground and up again.  After a few minutes, it split into two smaller funnels and quickly dissolved.   I remember being sad about that.  This horrible, furious tornado reduced to insignificance without doing it's god-given duty to level a trailer park.

All that said, I'm starting to feel like that ill-fated tornado.  Like I'm losing strength.  Like my fury and purpose is shrinking.  Like my spin is giving out.  I also feel like that little version of me, under that couch, crossing my fingers.  But this time, nobody is looking out for the storm.  There's no such thing as luck, and nobody is drinking coffee and listening to the news upstairs.  I'm alone and failing.

Fortunately, I'm starting to realize that I'm not alone under that furniture.  My wife is there with me too.  Just as scared as I am, but holding me tightly.   And, as long as she's with me, I'm not as scared anymore.  If we get swept up in the storm, sucked into the sky with all our stuff, at least I'll have someone to hold my hand when the twister spits us out into the night, wet and cold.

I hope she holds on tight.

Wheels...

This is one of my favorite songs...

Sorry, no post today.

Twiddling My Thumbs

What the hell am I going to do all day?   Well, apparently, I have so much free time these days that I should be able to do anything.  Today is the day I am finally bored.  I will find something to do with myself, cleaning, going to the library, maybe do a little grocery shopping, whatever.  I completed my REQUIRED job search already for the week, and am still running down a couple of leads for work, but I will be done with that by noon, certainly.  

Without an art studio for the first time in 15 years, I am going out of my fucking gourd!  I NEVER had to worry about being bored before.  I could ALWAYS go and get some painting done.  Now, I'm surrogating it with doing some writing, and so forth, but sitting in one place for so long makes me nervous, and start to hate myself.  What the hell is wrong with me?  I guess I've become one of those freaky people that when they aren't working on some kind of project, they crawl out of their skin.  When did I turn into that guy?  Goofing off used to be an art form for me...

In reality, I just want the sick feeling in my innards go away.  That sick feeling comes from watching my bank account shrink and new bills come in the mail everyday.  That sick feeling comes from realizing that "if I don't get some work soon, I'm gonna have to knock over a liquor store..."  Then, of course, I'll end up going to jail and getting ass-raped by somebody I'm not even attracted to.

Good God, I'm even considering making a list, just so I don't end up on Facebook for hours today.  The FB is VERY dangerous.  I'm having to really schedule it now in ten minute blocks three times a day because I really will spend all day on it.  It's terrible.

Okay, here I go...   Ready?  MOTIVATE!!!!!

Not Your Problem

I got this mean fucking letter from a friend today.  Let's call him "Mark".  I asked Mark for a favor yesterday regarding helping me out with my unemployment.  Without going into detail, let's just say I needed some information.  He really didn't have to do a damn thing.  Well, he decided to take it upon himself to "give me a kick in the ass" - as he called it.  Mostly, he wrote me a letter telling me what a lazy worthless mooch I was.  Now, keep in mind, my unemployment and ongoing job search is really none of his fucking business.  I mean, I'm certainly not on unemployment for my health.  With all the horseshit I've gone through screwing around with it over the past few months, I'd like to not be on it, too.  I just don't really have a choice right now.

Maybe he felt like because I asked him for a favor it was somehow "involving" him in my unemployment.  In reality, I just needed some info.  That was it.  Took NONE of his time, really.  And, in return, he totally came down on me.  Told me I was "mooching off the system" and I needed to "get off my ass".  What the fuck...   

I wrote him back and told him where he was wrong about his assumptions, and why.  I also told him I wasn't mad at him.  I'm still not sure if I am.  I might be.  After all, it is NONE OF HIS FUCKING BUSINESS, RIGHT?  I mean, I am pretty sure I've never given him any shit about any of the crap he's doing wrong in his life.  I certainly could, if I wanted.  He's just as much of a fuck-up as I am, if not more.  The guy seems to have a good work ethic.  But he's got some serious "social" problems that will eventually destroy his relationship with his fiancee if he's not careful.  BUT, I don't talk to him about it because it's NONE OF MY FUCKING BUSINESS!  He is who he is, and he's not going to change himself for me, so why bother?  Why should he?

Mostly, I think I might be mad about this because of his timing.  That letter really caught me off guard.  I initially sent off a kind of "it's funny 'cause it's true" parody of my job resume, and he answers it with a letter telling me I'm a loser.  I really didn't need that this week.  I'm having a really rough week, I've argued a couple of times with my wife, and I'm feeling super-vulnerable right now.  My bank account is dwindling, and I'm starting to get a little nervous.

I REALLY want to go back to work, but I want to find a job that will allow me to get ahead somehow.  I'm looking for more than a paycheck.  And, if all I can get is a paycheck, it better be large enough to put some away in savings.  The other reason I'm kind of "taking it slow" finding a job is that my wife and I are considering moving to another part of the country, and I'm kinda waiting to see what kind of decision we make about that before I get too far ahead of myself.  GODDAMNIT, why the fuck did he have to write me that damn letter?!  It hit me way too hard, way too far below the belt!  

Do friends do that kind of stuff?  I mean, I can see that he MAY be trying to give me a little "tough love" with the whole thing, but it sure didn't feel like it.  In my letter back to him I told him that his letter was mean.  In fact, I sounded like a complete pussy in my response, but, FUUUUCK, it hurt!   So, I've been spending the rest of the day trying to talk myself out of dropping a couple Xanax and spending the rest of the day  in bed with the covers over my head. Maybe that makes me a loser too.  It probably does.  Maybe I'm just not fucking tough enough.  Maybe I DO need to get off my ass and take any fucking job that I can get, regardless of what kind of future it holds.   I don't know.  I don't know.  I don't know.

FUUUUCKKKK!!!!

See, this is the kind of shit that makes me want to gather my dog, my wife, and move to fucking-nowhere Montana and raise goats and collect automatic weapons.   That sounds funny, but it really is what I think about sometimes.  I want to build a fucking complex on the side of a mountain someplace, Put razor wire and chain link around the whole place,  store up about 3 years worth of supplies, and blow up the access road.  Tell the whole fucking world to go to hell.  I don't care!

Great, now I'm angry at myself again....

Something From Nothing

So, I am spending my day becoming acquainted (yet again) with my Big Empty.

What this is, for those of you who have never suffered from depression, is a feeling like you are just floating through life.  Suddenly, out of the blue, you just don't give a shit about anything anymore.  Like nothing you do matters.  Like you don't matter.  Like nothing at all matters.  

The Big Empty is as terrifying as it is dangerous.  This is the time when you might get sucked into taking a few too many pills or drive on the wrong side of the road or take a walk over a bridge and imagine what it would be like to step over the edge.  Today, I'm lucky.  I'm just stuck at home with a bad cold and coughing up my lungs.  It keeps me indoors, and away from anything that would otherwise endanger me.  A little viral therapy.

Not to worry though, I'm sure I will snap back to myself again tomorrow.  I've got a lot of crap to do.  Places to be and so forth.  But, it doesn't keep me from looking into the stillness, the soul-void that I'm in today.  These are the kinds of days when I might speak the undiluted truth about stuff and not care about the repercussions.  At least the ugly truth.  See, things like love and friendship and wonder and creativity and magic don't exist in the Big Empty.  Here, pain seems to dilute everything, and giving up is a viable option.  

The absence of want bothers me.  If you've never felt this way, it's an odd feeling.  I mean, I always WANT something.  Maybe a cup of tea, maybe a snack, to watch a movie, a shoebox full of twenties, to get laid, whatever.  I'm always ready for SOMETHING.  But, today, the only thing I want to do is sleep.  To be disconnected.  I used to just drink myself to oblivion when I felt like this.  Nowdays, I just stare at the TV, and zone out.  I'm too bitter and blank to read.  I get annoyed I have to leave my bed to piss.  I secretly wonder if I could get away with going in my pants.  Even writing this blug is the most dramatic thing I've done all day, or will probably do tomorrow.

It's days like this when I wonder why I even try.  Why I care.  Who gives a shit, anyway?  This kind of self-destructive thinking is silly, I know, but it doesn't make it any easier to deal with when the Big Empty is staring you in the face with it's non-face.

Everything just seems so goddamn....unnecessary. 

Don't worry though, I'm not off my rocker.  I'm not going to "do anything".  I just wanted to well...   I don't know, really.  I just wanted to have SOMETHING to think about.  It helps. Really.

Whew!

A rush of relief swept over me last night around the time Ohio was given to Obama.   It was then I suddenly felt I didn't need to worry as much about, well, everything, as I have been.  I'm sure I'm not the only one who has had this feeling, though it is silly upon examination.  There are still things to worry about, big things.  But, for a day or two, it's nice to know that there may be light at the end of this very long tunnel that has been the Republican rule.  

Shit, Obama's like Superman right now.  And, there's no Kryptonite to be found anywhere.  Could it be that an honest man has been found in the US Senate?  Sounds too much to wish for, I know, but still.....

Am I wrong for being just plain giddy?  (I just realized that if you re-arrange the letters "plain" becomes "Palin".  Hmm...)  Am I wrong because I think it's about time that America pulled it's ginormous white head out of it's ass and did the right thing?

Unfortunately, I think we got lucky.  America's just as much of a beer-swilling, nigger-hatin', oil lovin', burger-gobblin' place as it's always been, we just managed to get the vote out.  I mean, if you didn't vote in this election, you are a fucking moron.  AND, even though the numbers of voters were higher than ever, the percentage of REGISTERED voters who actually dragged their ass down to the polls was dismal.  (I heard something like only 21% of registered voters in my state actually voted, and that was high!)  If 80% of the registered voters STILL didn't vote, what the hell does that mean???

I gotta say, though I am wanting to be lulled to sleep by Obama reading the phonebook right now, I am still frustrated with this country.  The sour grapes coming from the right have been just ugly.  While McCain was giving his "sorry I lost it for you, it's all my fault" sad-grandpa speech last night, when he mentioned Obama, people started booing!  I couldn't believe it.  Hell, if McCain had won, I would have left the country, but I'm not sure if I would have stood around at a speech and booed the poor guy.  I mean, he lost for God's sake!

Have you ever heard of the "Santa Claus Strategy"?  Well, it goes like this:  when the country has been completely screwed up by a Republican, they put up a patsy in the election (McCain) who will almost certainly lose by a slim margin.  Then, when the Democrats take the crumbling country and work their asses off on fixing it for four years (Carter), the Republicans enter the next election by saying "Are you better off now than you were four years ago?" (Regan).  Then folks say, "Well, I'm not better off now than I was, I guess I should vote for them there other guys this time".  And, then the newly (mostly) fixed government gets handed off to a new, stronger Republican who enjoys the prosperity provided for him during the previous four years while handing out LOADS of money to his buddies and business friends (Santa) until everything goes to hell eight years later (BUSH2) and then becomes a "lame duck" (Bush1 and Bush2).  So, let's hope Obama gets it right FAST, otherwise, he won't be around after the next election, and we will be looking at a "President Palin". 

 You betcha!

Losing It

The most recent thing to really freak my shit out happened yesterday around noon.

I was on Facebook (my new addiction that has kept me from blogging as much, which I need to correct...), and the computer was working fine.  Then, without warning, it just stopped functioning.  Everything froze.   So, I turned off the system, waited a minute or two, and then tried to re-start it.  It didn't come back on.  After 30 seconds or so, a blinking picture of a file with a question mark on it was flashing on the screen.

I didn't know exactly what that meant, but I instantly got a feeling of dread.  My stomach sunk, and my chest started to hurt.  

After contacting Apple, and then taking the computer to the Apple doctor, I found that my hard-drive was toast.  That's it, no warning, no fudging, no weird noises, nothing.  Just stopped working.

Soooo, the laptop was covered, so I got a new hard-drive installed, but I have successfully lost EVERY FUCKING THING ON THE COMPUTER.  I don't back shit up.  I never have.  But, I will now.  According to the tech who took a look at it, the most common problem with the Mac hard drives is that there are these freaking tiny little springs inside the hard drive that wear out.

REALLY?  FUCKING SPRINGS?  REALLY?

So, technology from the fucking dark ages has somehow lost all my pictures, business stuff, art, addresses, worksearch stuff, and everything else is FUCKING GONE because of some little springs smaller than a peppercorn.  Really?

AND, it lost all my lovely wife's stuff, too.   Which hurts me more than I can say.  I'm just SICK SICK SICK about it.  I can't even sleep over it.  I feel like I did something wrong because I was using the computer when it went kaput.  I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING!!!  But, for some reason, I still feel like kicking my own ass over this.  I don't understand.

I mean, the tech guy said that there is NO reason for why this stuff happens.  It just does.  Those little parts are only made to last a couple of years, and they expect that you will back up your hard-drive once in awhile.  Has the technology not caught up with those of us who are too lazy to live our lives NOT in love with our computer-box?

The worst part is, to get all the "lost" info off the old hard drive will cost $300-2500 to get.  I'm not even sure what they do to the damn thing to "get" the information.   My moronic understanding is that someone will have to dismantle the hard drive and get the info off the disks inside it individually.  So, there ya go.   Some BASTARD is gonna charge me an arm and a leg to "fetch" the information and laugh later to his buddies about how people pay him a STUPID amount of money for doing so little.

I'm definitely in the wrong business.

Breathe in, breath out.

Catch-Up

So, I haven't written on the blug in awhile.  Not because I've been lazy, I've just discovered Facebook, and have otherwise been addicted to it for awhile.

Also, I was out of town for awhile visiting my Grandfather in the next state over.  I stayed down there for four days.   In his empty house.  It was so quiet.   See, Grampa had a stroke three weeks ago, and he's pretty fucked up.  His entire right side is paralyzed, and he can't speak, not from the paralysis, but because his brain is fucked up.  The paralyzation is a result of the stroke, not where all the damage was actually done.

The frustrating thing is his mind is all there.  The thinking part of his brain is just as razor sharp as it's always been, but he can't form words very much anymore.  It's not like he can't talk, he gets lots of noises, and one word answers, and when he gets emotional (using the right side of his brain, the creative one) he can spit out a whole crystal clear sentence.    And, he's wearing diapers, and can't walk or get out of bed without the aid of this fucked-up lift-thing that the nurses tie him up in and pick him out of bed.  He wets himself nearly every time they use it.  It puts pressure on his bladder, and well, he's all paralyzed, so he sits in the dining room every day trying desperately to get his food in his mouth with his left hand (FYI he's right handed) spilling every other bite down his shirt, while sitting in his own urine.

So here's the kicker...ready for it?

He's in a good mood.   I couldn't fucking believe it.  I mean, maybe he just likes the attention, but to be honest, he was in a good mood the whole time I was there.  Either that, or he was "putting on a toughguy exterior" while I was there.  But, he's really not that type of guy.  I think he's too practical for that.    So, he's just taking this in stride with all the other crap he's had to deal with in his life.  Given his circumstances, I'd be ready to hurl myself on my dinner fork. And, believe it or not, he's not being given any drugs for depression or anxiety!

What a tough motherfucker.  Really.

He's just doing his thing, not bitching, he's working hard at PT, and not whining, just a little frustrated when he wants to tell you a story or a comment about something, and just can't get it out.

The way it was explained to me (and I thought this explanation worth noting here), was:  "Picture a puzzle, all completed.  Now, what if somebody came along and took a whole bunch of pieces.   Now, that's ok, 'cause you've got a whole box of replacement pieces you can use to fill those spaces back in, but, unfortunately the box they're in is the size of a footlocker, and they're intermixed randomly with 20 or 30 non-related puzzles."  What they're HOPING for with his brain, is that that box of puzzle pieces has a hole in the bottom, and all the extra puzzles will eventually spill out, leaving only pieces that are appropriate to the puzzle that is Grampa's brain.  And, that is NOT easy.  Some of his puzzle pieces will be lost forever.

So, I'm pretty bummed about this.   I am SOOOOOOOO glad I got to know the man before this all happened.  I came down a couple of times in the last year and spend a great deal of time talking with him on the phone.  See, I didn't grow up anywhere near him.  I never got to know him, really.  I only met him a few times before I took it upon myself to be a part of his life.

So, my Uncle "Bob" is being aided by a few local folks to make sure Grampa gets everything he needs and all his money is being taken care of, his paperwork, etc.  I am thankful for this, as "Bob" is not really in a position where he can really do anything.  Bob's a .....  well, he's a "dim bulb".  I say that with a great deal of respect for my Uncle.  He's always been....well...not exactly slow...but... in reality (Bob was adopted) he may have a life-long struggle with fetal-alcohol syndrome going on.  That's what I think, anyway.   He's just a big guy with a big heart and a big penchant for being emotional about everything, he isn't an angry guy and tries as hard as he can to challenge himself, but he just comes off like a dummy at every turn.  

I worry about him.  He is a very nice fellow who just can't seem to catch a break.  He has a quiet desperation that follows him like stink.

I was gonna write more about some of the crap that went down while I was there, but in conclusion I will simply list a few truisms that I learned while visiting.

1.  Some people just don't challenge themselves at all.   They are so content being stupid.

2. I never want to watch my Grandfather piss himself while being hoisted 5 feet in the air again.

3. From now on, when I want to cry, I'm going to.  Turns out, it really is okay for men to cry after all.

4. I will never ever ever ever ever ever try Meth.

5. I look damn good in cowboy boots.

6. It's okay to smile and say nothing when you're with somebody you love.

7. People should hold hands more.  I'm going to be proactive about it.  The next time I see Arya and Corwin, I'm gonna force them to sit, talk, and hold hands with me for twenty minutes, or so.  There is so much good energy in it.  It makes everybody feel the power love has.

8. Mexican is the new Black.

#9 and #10 are private, and they're just for me.  That's okay too.

One more thing: Life is so hard.  It really is.  And, sometimes, it gets so bad that it is only the habit of breathing that keeps you alive.  But, goddamn it, you're alive.  

The Smackdown!!!!!

So, I just came right to the blug for this.  I haven't even looked at another headline, or another web page since watching the FRIGGIN' AWSOME SMACKDOWN laid on McSame by the man with a plan, OBAMA!!!!

What the fuck was up with McCain referring to Obama as "that one".   Did anybody else catch a whiff of Grampy's red neck???

Yeah, I know!!!

If nobody points that out but me, I will be a surprised monkey with a skin disorder.

I thought Grampy came off sounding confused, and just...well.....old.

Now, I will go and see how the rightnicks play this off.  

SMACKDOWN!!!!!