Catch-Up

So, I haven't written on the blug in awhile.  Not because I've been lazy, I've just discovered Facebook, and have otherwise been addicted to it for awhile.

Also, I was out of town for awhile visiting my Grandfather in the next state over.  I stayed down there for four days.   In his empty house.  It was so quiet.   See, Grampa had a stroke three weeks ago, and he's pretty fucked up.  His entire right side is paralyzed, and he can't speak, not from the paralysis, but because his brain is fucked up.  The paralyzation is a result of the stroke, not where all the damage was actually done.

The frustrating thing is his mind is all there.  The thinking part of his brain is just as razor sharp as it's always been, but he can't form words very much anymore.  It's not like he can't talk, he gets lots of noises, and one word answers, and when he gets emotional (using the right side of his brain, the creative one) he can spit out a whole crystal clear sentence.    And, he's wearing diapers, and can't walk or get out of bed without the aid of this fucked-up lift-thing that the nurses tie him up in and pick him out of bed.  He wets himself nearly every time they use it.  It puts pressure on his bladder, and well, he's all paralyzed, so he sits in the dining room every day trying desperately to get his food in his mouth with his left hand (FYI he's right handed) spilling every other bite down his shirt, while sitting in his own urine.

So here's the kicker...ready for it?

He's in a good mood.   I couldn't fucking believe it.  I mean, maybe he just likes the attention, but to be honest, he was in a good mood the whole time I was there.  Either that, or he was "putting on a toughguy exterior" while I was there.  But, he's really not that type of guy.  I think he's too practical for that.    So, he's just taking this in stride with all the other crap he's had to deal with in his life.  Given his circumstances, I'd be ready to hurl myself on my dinner fork. And, believe it or not, he's not being given any drugs for depression or anxiety!

What a tough motherfucker.  Really.

He's just doing his thing, not bitching, he's working hard at PT, and not whining, just a little frustrated when he wants to tell you a story or a comment about something, and just can't get it out.

The way it was explained to me (and I thought this explanation worth noting here), was:  "Picture a puzzle, all completed.  Now, what if somebody came along and took a whole bunch of pieces.   Now, that's ok, 'cause you've got a whole box of replacement pieces you can use to fill those spaces back in, but, unfortunately the box they're in is the size of a footlocker, and they're intermixed randomly with 20 or 30 non-related puzzles."  What they're HOPING for with his brain, is that that box of puzzle pieces has a hole in the bottom, and all the extra puzzles will eventually spill out, leaving only pieces that are appropriate to the puzzle that is Grampa's brain.  And, that is NOT easy.  Some of his puzzle pieces will be lost forever.

So, I'm pretty bummed about this.   I am SOOOOOOOO glad I got to know the man before this all happened.  I came down a couple of times in the last year and spend a great deal of time talking with him on the phone.  See, I didn't grow up anywhere near him.  I never got to know him, really.  I only met him a few times before I took it upon myself to be a part of his life.

So, my Uncle "Bob" is being aided by a few local folks to make sure Grampa gets everything he needs and all his money is being taken care of, his paperwork, etc.  I am thankful for this, as "Bob" is not really in a position where he can really do anything.  Bob's a .....  well, he's a "dim bulb".  I say that with a great deal of respect for my Uncle.  He's always been....well...not exactly slow...but... in reality (Bob was adopted) he may have a life-long struggle with fetal-alcohol syndrome going on.  That's what I think, anyway.   He's just a big guy with a big heart and a big penchant for being emotional about everything, he isn't an angry guy and tries as hard as he can to challenge himself, but he just comes off like a dummy at every turn.  

I worry about him.  He is a very nice fellow who just can't seem to catch a break.  He has a quiet desperation that follows him like stink.

I was gonna write more about some of the crap that went down while I was there, but in conclusion I will simply list a few truisms that I learned while visiting.

1.  Some people just don't challenge themselves at all.   They are so content being stupid.

2. I never want to watch my Grandfather piss himself while being hoisted 5 feet in the air again.

3. From now on, when I want to cry, I'm going to.  Turns out, it really is okay for men to cry after all.

4. I will never ever ever ever ever ever try Meth.

5. I look damn good in cowboy boots.

6. It's okay to smile and say nothing when you're with somebody you love.

7. People should hold hands more.  I'm going to be proactive about it.  The next time I see Arya and Corwin, I'm gonna force them to sit, talk, and hold hands with me for twenty minutes, or so.  There is so much good energy in it.  It makes everybody feel the power love has.

8. Mexican is the new Black.

#9 and #10 are private, and they're just for me.  That's okay too.

One more thing: Life is so hard.  It really is.  And, sometimes, it gets so bad that it is only the habit of breathing that keeps you alive.  But, goddamn it, you're alive.