Something From Nothing

So, I am spending my day becoming acquainted (yet again) with my Big Empty.

What this is, for those of you who have never suffered from depression, is a feeling like you are just floating through life.  Suddenly, out of the blue, you just don't give a shit about anything anymore.  Like nothing you do matters.  Like you don't matter.  Like nothing at all matters.  

The Big Empty is as terrifying as it is dangerous.  This is the time when you might get sucked into taking a few too many pills or drive on the wrong side of the road or take a walk over a bridge and imagine what it would be like to step over the edge.  Today, I'm lucky.  I'm just stuck at home with a bad cold and coughing up my lungs.  It keeps me indoors, and away from anything that would otherwise endanger me.  A little viral therapy.

Not to worry though, I'm sure I will snap back to myself again tomorrow.  I've got a lot of crap to do.  Places to be and so forth.  But, it doesn't keep me from looking into the stillness, the soul-void that I'm in today.  These are the kinds of days when I might speak the undiluted truth about stuff and not care about the repercussions.  At least the ugly truth.  See, things like love and friendship and wonder and creativity and magic don't exist in the Big Empty.  Here, pain seems to dilute everything, and giving up is a viable option.  

The absence of want bothers me.  If you've never felt this way, it's an odd feeling.  I mean, I always WANT something.  Maybe a cup of tea, maybe a snack, to watch a movie, a shoebox full of twenties, to get laid, whatever.  I'm always ready for SOMETHING.  But, today, the only thing I want to do is sleep.  To be disconnected.  I used to just drink myself to oblivion when I felt like this.  Nowdays, I just stare at the TV, and zone out.  I'm too bitter and blank to read.  I get annoyed I have to leave my bed to piss.  I secretly wonder if I could get away with going in my pants.  Even writing this blug is the most dramatic thing I've done all day, or will probably do tomorrow.

It's days like this when I wonder why I even try.  Why I care.  Who gives a shit, anyway?  This kind of self-destructive thinking is silly, I know, but it doesn't make it any easier to deal with when the Big Empty is staring you in the face with it's non-face.

Everything just seems so goddamn....unnecessary. 

Don't worry though, I'm not off my rocker.  I'm not going to "do anything".  I just wanted to well...   I don't know, really.  I just wanted to have SOMETHING to think about.  It helps. Really.